“So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish”

Posted by on 02.15.11 | 6 Comments
Filed Under grief, look yet again

“So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish”  –Douglas Adams

This is my first blog in a long time on the VTH, and it will be my last for a while as well.  I took a break because I needed to test something out; I needed to test the extent to which I was using the blog and some other things as a means of keeping myself emotionally connected to, and correspondingly distant from where I now live and work. 

What I discovered was that, yes indeed, that was exactly what I was doing.  Not posting on the VTH was painful; it made me sad.  As I looked more deeply at it I was able to see that the pain and sadness was a direct result of feeling that I had cut myself off from the place I live.  Except that I don’t live there any more, and won’t for a long time.  I came to see that I was nurturing connections with Central Oregon in a way that kept me from becoming truly rooted here in Spokane, and that wasn’t good for me or for the people of this good place.  And so I realized that for the sake of becoming truly honest about not just where I am, but who I am now I need to stop posting. 

I know that many people from many areas blog on the VTH, so unlike selling real estate it isn’t location, location, location, except in my case.  Oregon has never been where I used to live.  No matter what the return address on my envelopes said, Oregon has always been my one true home.  I remember being on the University of Oregon campus when I was in second grade and saying “this is where I am going to college.”  Talk about early decision processes.  Well, I realize now there is a sense in which that has to change.  I live in Spokane, and I have a duty to the people here to be truly and fully present, and an opportunity as well to become a citizen of bigger world than I have ever before inhabited.    

I realize as well that for most people this is not so hard.  They move from one area to another in this highly mobile society and do just fine maintaining a proper balance between deep affection for where they have been and a lively commitment to where they are.  Historically that hasn’t worked so well for me.  But Robert Hunter is right again.  “There are things you can replace, and others you cannot.  The time has come to weigh those things….”   So that is what I am doing.  And what I am discovering is that I really need to live where I live, and when I do that life works a little better.  So it is time for me to be all here.

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