Warning: Illegal string offset 'status_txt' in /home/virtu151/public_html/wp-content/plugins/share-and-follow/share-and-follow.php on line 1168
Warning: Illegal string offset 'status_txt' in /home/virtu151/public_html/wp-content/plugins/share-and-follow/share-and-follow.php on line 1168
Warning: Illegal string offset 'status_txt' in /home/virtu151/public_html/wp-content/plugins/share-and-follow/share-and-follow.php on line 1168
Warning: Illegal string offset 'status_txt' in /home/virtu151/public_html/wp-content/plugins/share-and-follow/share-and-follow.php on line 1168
Warning: Illegal string offset 'status_txt' in /home/virtu151/public_html/wp-content/plugins/share-and-follow/share-and-follow.php on line 1168
Warning: Illegal string offset 'status_txt' in /home/virtu151/public_html/wp-content/plugins/share-and-follow/share-and-follow.php on line 1168
Warning: Illegal string offset 'status_txt' in /home/virtu151/public_html/wp-content/plugins/share-and-follow/share-and-follow.php on line 1168
Warning: Illegal string offset 'status_txt' in /home/virtu151/public_html/wp-content/plugins/share-and-follow/share-and-follow.php on line 1168
I want to write about grace: about the invisible hand of Spirit giving a reprieve from suffering; about two nights of honest rest without struggle or pills; of feeling stable for the first time in months of exhales that don’t quite get it all out.
I want to write about decadence: about quiet fires with rich red wine and cloudy mornings with hot coffee delivered by a kind, loving, devoted man; of two happy and content pets asleep at my feet as I sweetly and patiently allow the day to come to me.
I want to write about space: about the space between he and I where I am renewed; about the space between my thoughts where I find my truth; about the space between the clouds and the sky where life is encouraged.
I want to write about strength: about how it can be the exact same thing as vulnerability and how truly organic, truly real it is then; about the strength that comes from the center of my belly and the core of my being without force, pretence or might.
I want to write about quiet: about the kind of quiet that can happen on the 405 freeway; about quiet inside the mind where the voice of self-condemnation has ceased its’ endless tyranny; about quiet inside the body when the drive “to do something” has given way to the need “to just be”….and let the World be too.
I want to write about acceptance: about acceptance of my moods and his; about acceptance of the times I have been ineffective and especially about acceptance of the whole-hearted, ever-present desire to be okay.
I want to write about sorrow: about the sorrow of hearing your mother’s slurred words as the unnamed, but well-known, disease takes hold; about the sorrow of creases in the forehead and of regret over moments not fully lived but lost to hatred, loneliness, boredom and doubt.
I want to write about humor: about humor that I have so often forgotten but that is always available to ease the pain of believing my own thoughts; about humor that heals the soul and catches one completely off guard; about how cracking myself up actually mends the broken pieces of me.
I want to write about love: about the love of the sunrise and the love of life; about the love of a spirits coming together; and about the love of God that is always available to me.
******************************************************************************************************************
Author’s note: While cleaning out my night-stand, I came across a forgotten legal pad full of short-hand. Above is what was written on the second page; I must have scribbled it close to four years ago during a time of emotional exhaustion. It could have been written three months ago though as not much changed with the sleeping and the struggles during the time in-between. Funny thing is that today it is hard for me to relate to. Since dramatically decreasing the amount of processed foods, meat, dairy, alcohol, wheat and coffee I consume (and eating more whole, organic foods) sleeping is easier, thinking is clearer and being me has become significantly more fun.
]]>
Dear Tania–
What an amazing piece! And that even though much has not changed, much has…thank you for staying the course. You are an inspiration!
Tania! so glad you "wrote about" all these things, there is so much here that others can relate to, for me it is the "about quiet inside the mind where the voice of self-condemnation has ceased its’ endless tyranny" boy, am I glad for that quiet these days!!! Thanks so much for sharing all this with us.
Deanna & Beth — Thank you so much for your comments and encouragement. It been interesting to unearth some of my old writings. Some of it is fuel for the fire (literally!) but some of it is a part of me that I choose to keep and integrate.
Writing the first paragraph made me even more aware of what a gift being able to sleep and dream peacefully is….how I went so many years struggling with it and thus struggling with pretty much everything. Sunday will be two months since I changed my diet and it took about three days after that for the sleep to come. What blessings have come from this blog and the courage to be radical.
Thank you both for the support you’ve given me so freely through-out this process.
I agree with Beth, amazing work here Tania. You have a beautiful way of describing even the most ordinary of things and events. Your writing touches my soul. I really hope that you start your own blog one of these days, it would be well-read, Im sure. Not that I don’t enjoy visiting you (and Beth) here, I just think it’s so wonderful to have a blog-home of your own.
BTW, I am back to blogging after a break, both blogs actually. I am feeling renewed and refreshed and working on several projects. Actually accomplishing something these days, not just talking about it LOL.
HUGS, G