releasing my inner blonde

Posted by on 10.23.07 | 4 Comments
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“I don’t know if it’s true that blondes have more fun. But they are more fun.” –John H., 1978, One of my first manfriends.

So I went blonde last weekend.

I’ve been some shade of red my whole life (the last few years the shade of red has been somewhat predicated on what box has been on sale). Off and on, I’ve had this secret, somewhat perverse desire to see what I’d look like as a blonde. But a wide variety of hairdressers have talked me out of it, either by flattery or outright ‘you don’t want to do something that harsh your hair. I’ve known people that their hair fell out after bleaching it.’ That kind of thing. So I haven’t done it. I’ve looked at the ‘bleach it yourself’ boxes on the shelves and thought ‘hm’. But haven’t ever had the nerve.

So this past week my friend Krayna said to me, over a glass of wine, while I was trying to fix her computer: “Beth, I think we should go to the Groovy 70′s benefit (for a local charity) and we should go as a couple of Disco Queens, and, for sure we should go as blondes.”

I gave it about 2 seconds of thought and said, ‘all righty then’. And we made the appointment and went. It took 4 hours, but we came out looking quite stunning, if we do say so.

So you might be asking “where’s the ‘engaged spirituality’ in this story, and is there a point at all?”

Here’s what I have to say for myself: I’ve been seeing my mother in the mirror when I walk by lately. Out of the corner of my eye. Mom’s been dead for almost 30 years (I was 23 when she died), but I’m creeping up on the age she was when she began to get sick. There’s a part of me that welcomes this perspective on my mother’s life-from-the-inside-out. There’s this other part of me that is a little fritzy over it.

Here’s a dream from a few years ago that speaks a little to this post’s topic:

Mid March 2003 Mirrored

(I can’t sleep, woke up in some strange part of the REM cycle, can’t go back, but I think I’m awake in this dream—surprised when I realize it’s a dream.)

I’m standing in front of my bathroom mirror. I see a woman with shoulder length gray/reddish hair. I reach up and feel the hair and think ‘this can’t be me—I have short hair.” But then I realize that I’m dreaming, so of course I can have any length of hair—but I also know that I, the observer, have short hair, even though this is supposed to be a mirror image, and I am aware of that in the dream. (I think, on reflection–no pun intended!–that the mirror-me is me in a few years.) The mirror-me has her eyes closed—no make up. I am watching her intently. Suddenly I say, ‘wake up’, forcefully. She opens her eyes, looks at me. Then she closes her eyes again. I say, almost vehemently again, ‘wake up—don’t you know that it’s vital for you to wake up?!” She opens her eyes again, looks right at me. I have some fearful thought (don’t remember what it was) and at that thought she closes her eyes and will not open them again.

Beth in bathroom mirror 10-25-07

Beth in self-photo taken with her new cell phone, bathroom mirror 10-25-07

In the process of her not opening her eyes, I notice that in the room behind her (a mirror within a mirror) is the shadow of a healer, a woman. She is working with/healing someone sitting in a chair. I can’t see any of this directly, but as a shadow, in a mirror image. I wake up amazed and frustrated.

So here’s the point, I think. The older me in the dream has accepted her ‘gray hair status’. She is not bothered in the least by the younger me’s blah blah blah and protestations. She has a job to do: to point me towards the woman-healer in the mirror, both for my own healing, and to remind me that I am also called to be a healer. By my insistence and babbling on and on about waking up (while still obviously being asleep to a deep part of my true nature), I’m keeping myself from looking deeper into the mirror.

That’s what I think the dream is saying. What I know is that I’m enjoying being blonde this week. Maybe I’ll let my hair go gray next month, and let it be. Or not.

For now, I’m blonde and enjoying it. For those of you who have read other posts on my blog, you’ll recognize a distinct and welcome lack of self-judgement here–surely a spiritual milestone! I’m not insisting that I “wake-up-and-go-gray” or anything else. Just enjoying being what ‘I is’ today. And laughing with people at their reactions to my blondeness!

That’s it for now. More will be revealed, I’m sure. Always is.

Any thoughts? Comments? Coming soon, pictures of blonde Krayna…

Beth, VTH Host

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