Of what am I so afraid? Thing 1

Posted by on 07.10.07 | No Comments
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Any other Cat in the Hat fans out there?

As mentioned in a former blog post, I’m on a year-long focused discussion with myself and others about what I (and probably others?!) might be afraid of when it comes to the silence of slowing down, stopping the chatter and the need for busy-ness, and the need to feel like life is going somewhere. While I know that this is a core Question for the rest of my lifetime, nevertheless I’m challenging myself to some concerted introspection.

There’s a quote that I have had taped to my laptop for 2 years. I recently peedled it off, don’t know why. Here’s the quote: “I abandon all that I think I am, all that I hope to be, all that I believe I possess. I let go of the past, withdraw my grasping hand from the future, and in the great silence of this moment, alertly rest my soul.”

It seems that I’m taking it one phrase at a time, and am working on that phrase until something moves me to the next phrase. When I’m finished, I’m sure I’ll start at the beginning again.

Abandoning all that I think I am. I pray each morning on my back porch. When the sun rises, a prayer, given to me by my spiritual director, is to see myself as if the sun was passing through me, as if I was transparent. This particular practice has been very powerful. Sometimes I see (actually it’s more like a feeling than a seeing) nothing but shadows of unhealed gunk. Sometimes, there are a few shadows and the light passes joyfully through me. Sometimes there’s nothing but an outline. But, whatever the day brings, whatever the dreams have brought to the surface, the practice itself is healing me of seeing myself in the picture as solid and of substance. This doesn’t leave me ‘ungrounded’, but actually grounds in a larger perspective.

And sometimes, the practice is terrifying. Seeing the world without me as part of it, as only a conduit of light, is a pretty profound piece of work. No wonder I jump up from this meditation and get very busy with my day, 9 times out of 10. But I keep at it. And I can stay with it longer than I could a year or so ago when I started.

And since progress, not perfection, is my goal, I struggle on. Don’t ask ‘who is the one that struggles’…sometimes there’s no ‘one’. Usually, the one who struggles is alive, well, kicking and pretty ticked off that I’m even contemplating this exercise! Sitting quietly, no agenda, no me, well, that’s a pretty hard task.

So that’s all I have to say about that. Thing 1 is anhilation of the sense of self. No biggie.

Any words of wisdom, consolation, cheer?

At least let me know if you’re interested in the topic of why I/we avoid silence. Because the truth is, no matter how much I long for it, if I really wanted it, I’d have large chunks of it in my life, as Maria says in her comment to the first posting of this series, in the busy-est of days.

Beth, VTH, Host

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